Jon Stewart, who is leaving The Daily Show this fall after 16 years of pointing out the sublime and (mostly) ridiculous antics of politicians and other reprobates, will join the Jeffsicle blog before the end of 2015, according to an anonymous source.
Stewart apparently said he is joining Jeffsicle because “it won’t bleep the dirty words” and because of the assortment of fresh donuts delivered daily to the Jeffsicle newsroom. He also is said to have cited the office’s proximity to the Capitol building in Washington as a plus. “This way, if I see a congressional weasel walk by my window on the way to his afternoon tryst, I can shout insults directly at him rather than having to wait to post them on Jeffsicle.”
According to a Jeffsicle spokesperson, if all goes well Stewart will begin at the blog on December 1. He added that while Stewart “is a big star in New York and D.C, he has to prove he can connect to the little people in places like small town Ohio and Alabama and Micronesia. At the end of a six-month probationary period we’ll evaluate his progress.”
Several former Daily Show correspondents who have moved on to find greater success elsewhere reacted to the breaking news.
- Steven Colbert: “Hooray for Jon. I was afraid he was going to ask me for a job on my new show. Wasn’t gonna happen.”
- Larry Wilmore: “I don’t care where his scrawny white ass goes, they just better get me a good fucking lead-in to replace him.”
- John Oliver: “I always felt he looked down on me due to my British accent and the ‘h’ in my name, so let me just say this: Jon, I’m on H-B-Bloody-O and you’re going to be on something called Jezebel. Or Tricycle. Or something.”
- Steve Carrell: “Jon Stewart? I thought he joined the circus years ago.”
Others also weighed in on the announcement.
- Bill O’Reilly: “Jeffsicle? What’s the matter, didn’t WKRP in Cincinnati have any openings?”
- Fox News: “Jon Stewart is a socialist communist fascist Islamist liberal who trained at the feet of head socialist Eugene Debs. Even worse, he doesn’t believe Santa Claus was born white.”
- Jon’s mother, Marian Leibowitz: “You must be mistaken, I don’t know anyone by that name.”
- Kim Kardashian: “Want to see my bubble butt?”
According to sources, there are some contentious contractual issues that might kill the negotiations.
For example, Jeffsicle wants Stewart to:
- change his name to Jonsicle Stewart.
- Include “Produced in Cooperation with Jeffsicle” on all movies Stewart produces while at Jeffsicle. In additional there would have to be at least two Jeffsicle product placements in each movies.
Meanwhile Stewart has asked for:
- a live studio audience while his writes his blog.
- a chef to prepare his special recipe guacamole.
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