How High Is That Doggie in the Window?

Legislation introduced in Nevada would allow dogs and cats to benefit from medical marijuana. To learn more about how pot affects pets, we spoke to a canine currently participating in clinical studies. Excerpts from the interview appear below.

• Look at those cars moving in slooooow mooootion. I could catch one without breaking a sweat!”

• “Hey, look who’s here! Hello Mr. Mailman! Won’t you be, won’t you be, won’t you be my neighbor?”

• “Several of us dogs in here have initiated a Kickstarter campaign, ‘Hump for Hemp’”

• “Whoa. When did my claws grow fingers? Oh man, still no opposable thumbs.”

• “Two words: gateway drug. Lassie has hash in her stash. Penny has bennies in her tennies.”

• “Side effects? Sometimes I get the giggles. Ever hear a dog giggle? It’s the sound Katy Perry makes after inhaling helium.”

• “Oh, and the munchies. I’ve put on 5 pounds since the study began. They won’t give me Twinkies so I settled for beef pizzle. Gotta love that bull dick!”

• “Hey Bella, like, you got no clothes on. What? Neither do I? Groovy baby!”

• “You ever try to chase a toy laser beam? And you get frustrated because there’s nothing to catch? Well, I was finally able to catch that sucker. Tasted like carpet.”

• “You should stick around for tonight’s movie. They’re going to see how our brains react to the star gate sequence in 2001: A Space Odyssey. I hope they serve Screaming Yellow Zonkers!”

• “Dogs get no respect. Cats have had the “nip” like, forever, and it’s only now they notice we’d like to get hinky too?”

• “If we were really man’s best friend, you’d pass the bill and make it retroactive from whenever.”

• “The other day I got off the leash and crossed the electric fence border. Man, what a buzz!”

• “Everybody sing! ‘One toke over the neighbor’s kitty, one toke over the cat!’”

• “I’m chasing my tail, going round and round…. What do you mean, I did that before the pot?”.

• “Look at me! I’m George Carlin’s Hippie Whippet Weather Man!”

• “Poor Danders. Ate a pot brownie and died. The researchers don’t know if was the chocolate or chasing a Segway for five miles, but man what a trip!”

• “How high is that doggie in the window, the one with Rastafarian hair?”

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And If Elected…

I apologize for not posting last week. I was “vacationing” in New Hampshire with other 2016 presidential candidates pretending we weren’t really candidates. And what about all that soliciting of money and support going on? To quote Monty Python: “nudge nudge wink wink.”

Why the charade? We do this to be prepared in case we wake up one morning to discover that God had appeared before us and urged us to run for President. It is God’s sense of humor that he will apparently tell this to a dozen people or more. In turn, each one, thanks to their inflated sense of self-worth, will tell their supporters with a straight face and heartfelt personal language (written by a speechwriter and focus-group tested) how truly humbling it is to be God’s chosen one.

One day I ran into Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, the man who never graduated from college and is now taking revenge on the state’s public college system. Also there was former Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who wants his extended family to achieve the presidential hat trick. We met while talking to “common folk” (as we like to call registered voters) at the Waffle House. Can you think of a better place for politicians to congregate?

(You should know that most of the year these “common folk” pretty much dress and speak like anybody else you would find in New England. But about a year ahead of the New Hampshire primary, some of them start playing the role of “common folk.” They dress in overalls and flannel and cotton frocks, and employ monosyllabic speech patterns. They also say Yep and Nope a lot. Basically this is all done so the candidates can have the appropriate background for news cameras and campaign ads. Think of it as Colonial Williamsburg for candidates.)

Later on, at a local feed store that is open only during primary season, I spotted the Texas duo of former Governor Rick Perry, showing off the new-found gravitas that only a pair of wonky glasses can convey, and Senator Ted Cruz. The senator displayed a gentle touch when he explained to a 3 year-old girl that “Your world is on fire.” But he told the girl not to worry, because he and his supporters wanted to put out the fire by dousing it with gasoline from oil drilling off the Atlantic Coast.

As for myself, one afternoon I walked through a small town knocking on doors and trying to take the pulse of New Hampshire. At one house it was my pulse that needed taking when I encountered a housewife in a slinky negligee. She may have been “folk” but there was nothing “common” about her. Who knew this kind of encounter could happen in the Granite State?

As I choked out a courteous greeting, she purred, “I’m into kinky sex. What turns you on?”

I whispered, “I’m into pretending I’m considering running for President of the United States.”

She stared deep into my soul with her green-flecked eyes. Then she gave a deep sigh, said “Sorry, that’s way too kinky for me,” and shut the door in my face.

On to Iowa!

© 2015 Jeffsicle. Feel free to share with friends. Now on Twitter @Jeffsicle and Facebook www.facebook.com/jeffsicleblog. Please sign up and like us. Don’t make us beg!

Do Teens Make Out Anymore?

Do teens make out anymore?

Sure, they have sex. Probably lots more of them, and more often, then when I was in high school a very long time ago.

But do they “make out?”

And more to the point…where?

Make-out habitats have declined precipitously over the decades. The deleterious effect on the make-out population-at-large is troubling to scholars of the phenomenon.

[Programming note: Jeffsicle is a guy, and make-out terminology and maneuvers in this article reflect the guy perspective. Reader comments on how the other half makes out are welcome.)]

Movies

My theory is that making out began to disappear with the demise of drive-in movies and intensified with the disappearance of theaters with balconies that came with the advent of the multiplex. Compounding this in recent years has been the widespread use of smartphones by teens while movies. It’s hard to cop a feel when your thumbs won’t leave the keyboard.

Cars

Also contributing to this trend has been the rise in the price of gas since the 1973 oil embargo. “Say what?” you say? Well, back in those days, cars were huge inside and out. You could fit a family of six, a badmitted court, two dogs, and Grandma’s armoire from her first marriage inside a family sedan. Front seat or back, there was plenty of room to maneuver for whichever base you hoped to reach.

As gas prices started rising, cars began shrinking. Just try putting the moves on your girl in the back seat of a Fusion, or Corrola, or, God forbid, a Fit or Mini. Fiat 500 or a Smart car? Hah!

Sure, if you’ve got access to a monster SUV or minivan you’ve got room to roam, but outside of places like Beverly Hills and Fairfax and Oyster Bay Cove, how many teens are allowed to drive the Escalade?

And as for minivans, the uncoolness of it all is a serious barrier to coming across like a modern day James Dean or Bogart or Johnny Bravo. “Why don’t you put your retainer into one of the 12 cup holders before we kiss…wait, not that one, it’s filled with dried up gum.” (Note: in no way should today’s minivan be seen as an equal or successor to the flower power VW Van. Sometimes less is more (as many a boy has tried to explain to his girl).

Also, most cars today feature center consoles with shift levers and hard plastic trim. It’s the next worst thing to having Aunt Nellie sitting between you and your girl.

But can’t teens make out pretty much anywhere? To paraphrase the scientist played by Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park, won’t “hormones, uh, find a way?” Perhaps hormones will find a way, but the cameras are sure to see you.

Cameras

There are cameras everywhere. Nanny cams in the home, security cams in stores and alleys and parking lots, traffic cams in the streets. And of course Smartphones in all the remaining nooks and crannies.

And should you find a spot so remote, so isolated, that it seems impossible for anyone to spy on your make-out session?

Hello NSA.

© 2015 Jeffsicle. Feel free to share with friends. Now on Twitter @Jeffsicle and Facebook www.facebook.com/jeffsicleblog