While many new GOP contenders have tossed their American Flag pins into the ring for 2016, many others are considering a bid to be the one who tames Putin, Kim Jung-on, and the liberal media. Here is an update on who is still out there and why they think they are qualified. (Meanwhile, Jeffsicle’s presidential exploratory committee is currently exploring the cool breezes of the Maine seashore.)
Director Michael Bay. “A lot of directors don’t want the pressure of a movie the size of Pearl Harbor. But I love it. I thrive on it. And I’ll thrive on the pressure of The White House. I will Transform into a great President, saving the nation from Armageddon. I am The Rock. And I will crush those Teen-age Mutant NoBalls Democrats!”
George W. Bush. “I keep reading on Facebook how Obama is plotting to subvert the Constitution to run for third term, so I figured I may as well get in on the action. Besides, if Herbert Cain could run in 2012 to flog his book, I can run to sell my paintings.”
Former VP Dick Cheney. “I wasn’t the President but I played one in Washington. It’s time to do it for real.”
Former Reality Star Josh Duggar. “I’ll jump in after the 18th candidate announces so I can be 19 Candidates and Counting. Plus I need a job. And maybe a lawyer, and I hear the President gets one for free. I also hear that ‘what happens at Camp David stays at Camp David.’”
Caitlyn Jenner. “Carly Fiorina, there are now two of us girls in this race who can take on Hillary woman to woman. The difference, though, is that you sucked at running HP, while I was involved in creating a very successful television empire and I helped raise a family of very successful entrepreneurs. How many people can you draw to a campaign rally? Do you have any notion of the throngs that would turn out to see me speak? I mean, hear me speak? And you say the GOP needs a new definition of feminist? You’re looking at her, baby!”
Madonna. “It seems there’s a lot of repressed sexuality among Republicans. That’s my kind of challenge. I’ve reinvented myself so often, Republican is one of the few things I haven’t tried.”
Reactionary Rocker Ted Nugent. “My idol, and the idol of all real Americans, is General George S. Patton. During WWII he said he would go through the enemy ‘like crap through a goose.’ My friends, believe me when I say that I am that crap and the Democrats are the goose.”
Reality Star Bristol Palin. “Radical liberals in media who have total control over public narratives say I’m too young to run based on the Constitution. I am here to tell you the founding fathers who received the Constitution from God never intended to keep a Palin from fulfilling her manifest destiny.”
Reality Star Sarah Palin. “Those haters out there, they don’t understand that it invigorates me, it wants me to get out there and defend the innocent. It makes me want to work so hard for justice in this country. So, hey the more they’re pouring on the more I’m going to bug the crap out of them by being out there with a voice, with the message, hopefully running for office in the future, too.” (Actual quote.) “Plus I’m an attention whore.” (Possibly not an actual quote.)
Retired Adult Film Star Faye Reagan. “All I hear from the other candidates is Reagan This and Reagan That. So I figured an actual Reagan might be a welcome addition. We actually have some things in common. We oppose government regulation and we both made movies. Of course, mine are still actively viewed by millions and will be for decades. I mean really, would you rather watch the Voice of the Turtle or Torrid Tales of Naked Bondage? One other thing: in this age of transparency, I literally have nothing to hide.”
Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson. “There’s a lot of shit wrong with this country, but the real problem is that we haven’t had a beard in the White House since William Howard Taft and haven’t had a really good one since Benjamin Harrison. It’s time for a change.”
Comedian Amy Schumer. “I’m like 160 pounds right now, and not only can I catch a dick whenever I want, I also can catch a Rick, a Jeb, a Scott, a Ben, a Ted, a Rand, a George (do they all have one-syllable names?) and that’s the truth. Hell, I can catch a Carly if I’m in the right frame of mind.”
Arnold Schwarzenegger. “I may have made most of my money doing action films where I grunt and sweat, but I’ve always had a soft spot for playing-against-type in lighter fare like Kindergarten Cop. And believe me, there’s no comedy bigger than the GOP nomination process.”
Conspiracy Advocate Donald Trump. “Is there any doubt I will run? I’m a triple threat: real estate mogul, reality star, serial trophy wife owner, and the biggest burr in Barack Hussein Obama’s ass. But that’s not the main reason to pick me. I’M TOO BIG TO FAIL. (Not Chris Christie big. Trump Towers big.) If I ever had the problems our Kenyan President has had—Benghazi, falsified birth records, Putin, failed policies, golf—I would overcome them because I’M TOO BIG TO FAIL. Even when I was on the verge of bankruptcy, I was bailed out by my creditors. And the same would happen if I am President.”
Florida Man’s George Zimmerman. “I could use the Secret Service protection.”
Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg. “I know with whom you’re sleeping. I know which drugs you take, I know where you play, shop and eat, so ‘like/vote’ me before it’s too late.”
Honey Boo-Boo’s Mama June. Sorry, Jeffsicle is not going there. We have standards, microscopic though they are.
More Jeffsicle on the 2016 campaign can be found at:
An Out-of-This-Galaxy Ticket for ’16
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